Sometime while in class working as a substitute teacher, I have just had enough and so this is how I deal with it.

1. “Teacher, on Saturday … me and my mom … we went to a store … and then …”
“Ok listen bro, does this have anything to do with school?”
“No.”
“Does it have anything to do with your classwork?”
“No.”
“Then, I don’t care.

2. “Teacher, how do you spell vacation?”
“v-a-k-a-s- …”
“k-a-s? Are you sure?”
“who’s the teacher, me or you?”
“you.”
“So write it down! V-a-k-a-s-h-q-n”
“did you say ‘q’?”
“Yeah, it’s silent.”

3. “Hey, no fighting in my class.”
“He was talkin about my moms.”
“Ok, get him after school then.”

4. “What are you doing, are you copying the assignment from your friend?”
“No …”
“Don’t insult me, I can see what your doing bro.”
“Uh …”
“Look don’t worry, I don’t really care, but it’s just that your an idiot. You see, you’re copying the wrong page you dufus!”

5. “Teacher, where are you from?”
“I am from a small African country, maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”

6. “You should drop out?”
“What!?”
“What’s your assignment again?”
“Draw and color a poster about a movie.”
“And your a high school senior?”
“Yeah.”
“If you are doing Kindergarten work in high school, it’s time for you to drop out.”

7. “So you say you’re a lesbian?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Um, I am just curious … what exactly can a chick do for you that a guy can’t?”
“Guys are gross.”
“… ok then.”

8. “It seems like you two boys just can’t keep your hands off each other.”
“No he hit me and …”
“Listen, keep the romance outside of class, Ok.”

9. “Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?”
“No.”
“But I really have to go.”
“Nope.”
“But, I’m going to go on myself right now.”
“Go ahead, it would be very entertaining.”

10. “Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?”
“Let me think about it.”
one minute later
“Can I go now?”
“DON’T RUSH ME! This is an important decision and I want to make sure I get it right.”
five minutes later
“Who was it that wanted to go to the bathroom?”
“Me.”
“Ok, I just want to tell you that I haven’t forgotten about you and that I am still giving it a lot of thought.”