Fri 2 May 2008
For a variety of reasons that I won’t bore my readers with at the moment, I am not enthusiastic about marriage. But I know a good deal when I see one and if you trotted out a lady with the following qualities I wouldn’t turn her away. Keep in mind that religion is a given. So here goes.Hot.
Hot.
Not Fat or planning on getting fat (or “big boned”)
Doesn’t mind if I’m fat
or bald.
Wealthy (not rich)
Niqabi
16 years old because …
Gotta be able to have 16 kids.
Wants to Home School all of them.
Thinks child birth is fun.
Can cook every ethnic cuisine that I love and those I don’t know that I love like a pro.
Never satisfied with my satisfaction … always trying to perfect her culinary skills.
Hand feeds me while I’m on the computer. I want to forget how to use utensils.
Loves to clean (exercise includes vacuuming and scrubbing dishes. (I know
she’s rich but servants need not apply!)
Hot.
Does what I ask her to do before I ask her to do it.
Believes everything I say is right, except when I’m wrong in which case she will pretend she said it and confess she was wrong.
Thinks all my ideas are brilliant.
Complains only that I am too good to her.
She has extensive knowledge of medicine, engineering, programming, design, plumbing, gymnastics, oratory, kung fu, carpentry and auto mechanics (and yes at 16.)
Smarter than me but every once in a while says something dumb on purpose so I don’t feel inferior.
Doesn’t believe you need college to have good education.
Drives like a guy.
Likes to make me laugh while wearing stilts.
Makes dua every day that ALLAH makes her a better wife.
Packs me a lunch when she goes out to work.
Did I mention she is NOT STUPID!
Not dumb, foolish, imbecilic, idiotic, harebrained, moronic. doltish or block headed. (yes, I used a thesaurus, I had to make sure I got them all.)
Has memorized the entire Quran.
Always pesters me to get a second, third and fourth wife. (And I would if there were more like her.)
Did I mention hot?
Strokes my beard when I am being contemplative.
Hand stitches all my impeccably fashionable clothes.
Writes an entire, highly interesting book about every single quirk that I do and how it is AWESOME. After the fifth volume, she gives up.
Becomes the first niqabi in space, fashions special sharia compliant space suits. Builds and programs robot to take care of all of our needs while she is gone. (Robot too shapely so she dressed it with niqab also.
Is able to give a lesson to all our children, while vacuuming, preparing dinner, arranging for home improvement on the phone, exercising, subduing a burglar and smiling at me from across the room as though she is absolutely blissful … because she is!
Most importantly, and this is the key ladies and gentlemen, she has a great sense of humor.
If you know any sisters like this, feel free to match us up … I’ll break my no marriage rule in a heartbeat.
42 Responses to “ The Ideal Muslim Woman or the Only Woman I’ll Ever Marry ”
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May 3rd, 2008 at 2:12 amThe Ideal Muslim Woman…
For all of you men out there who are conflicted about what kind of Muslim woman to marry … here’s my list….
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Sounds more like your mom bro…sad…
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:54 pm
What a creepy thing to say, Dawud.
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:15 am
Firstly remove that pic, mr want religious wife..
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:54 am
the pic is a drawn silhouette of a tame outline of a woman who doesn’t exist. How is there something wrong with that. If two more people complain I’ll remove it.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:35 am
Please remove it.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:35 am
You better be surrounding yourself with lots of good deeds cause she don’t exist here.
You forgot “likes science fiction.” (ie can speak Klingon)
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
LOL A, yo thanks for the reminder … soon I am going to post about our little experience with the matrimonial whiteboard. LOL!
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
you’ll be bore of her in nanoseconds—there is a reason we don’t have perfection much so attaining it.
May 3rd, 2008 at 11:30 pm
How about a hot hijabi that’s not fat, can pass for a sixteen year old (on average though 18 year old), can have 16 kids (already has one, 15 more to go :p), can homeschool all of them, thinks childbirth is fun, has some knowledge of auto mechanics, is not stupid, doesn’t believe you need college to have a good education, drives like a guy, has a decent sense of humor, has read and can write science fiction and once upon a time spoke Klingon? That’s the best that I can do LOL. :p
Other than that better wait for your houris insha’Allah.
I need to make My Ideal Muslim Man list.
May 4th, 2008 at 2:44 am
btw, i was surprise to see that you want her to work..hmm….not too sure what kind of religious dude would expect his wifey to work?
May 4th, 2008 at 3:01 am
lol at the response. typical coming from you, I don’t see why people are surprised. see the picture is very provocative so yeah…
Hidayah,
I’m no feminist by any means. but work is a very loose term. I for instance just started my PR company but I work from home. There’s nothing wrong with a sister working so long as it meets Islamic standards. Or else we wouldnt have anyone teaching in Islamic schools or anything like that.
wallahu alem.
May 4th, 2008 at 3:03 am
p.s. where’s curious, with her curiosity? You scared her off.. don’t blame her.
May 4th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Maybe you can contribute some postings to my project HalfDeen.com
http://singleand.blogspot.com/2006/11/dating-is-not-allowed-here-but-are-you.html
May 4th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Oh, and yeah, please remove that image. You said you need two requests
May 4th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
lol i myself work full time and i never said that there is anything wrong in sister’ working.
However, what kind of religious man would impose his decision of working on his wife.. (I would just expect them to let their wife decide)
May 4th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Ok, so I changed the pic … but I am sure someone will have a problem with this one too.
OneUmmah, who says ill be bored … did you not read the description? Hot, Rich, Chef and Stilts. How can one be bored?
Aisha, I’m sorry, nowhere in your description did I see anything about stilts.
Hidaya, I don’t remember imposing anything on anyone. But if she has a fortune she will have to manage it, eh.
LivingHalal, you want me to do some guest posts, no problem you will just have to sell me on the idea. Will write for sushi, if you get my meaning.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:01 am
I liked the old pic better =)
May 5th, 2008 at 2:21 am
!!!!
This one rhymes? How could u say such a thing!?!
May 5th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
So you don’t want to go looking for trouble (i.e. get married). Then you blog about that fag from the Gay “Muslim” group, and post some fatwas about homosexuality from IslamQ&A on Islamify. You get worried people may be thinking strange things of you, so you concoct this rediculous post in order to divert everyone’s wandering thoughts of you quite possibly playing for the other team. Why? Because you don’t want to staight out say that you don’t want to marry a GIRL, so you say you will marry only this unrealistic girl that does not, never did, nor never will exist.
You are a guy (not a man, a guy), and unless you are doing something on the side (Haraam!) or have some sort of testicular hormonal deficiency, you must have desires. The only way to fulfill those desires is for you to get married to a girl. But since everything points to the fact that you have decided only to marry a girl that does not exist, I must publically and openly question your sexuality and nominate you for the president of the al-Faatihah group.
Anyone want to second the nomination?
May 5th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
If I may, I have a suggestion for making the text and the picture more consistent:
http://www.haloimages.com/imgs/MK00296_FPO_PREV.jpg
What’s one man’s is one man’s. It’s best in Everyone’s interest if other men don’t know about it.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Salaams Bro…
I couldn’t help but laugh…I don’t think your marriage rule will ever be broken…you’ll remained unmarried for a long time!
I think you need to comprimise…
May 5th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Anon, what I find interesting is that the “looking for trouble” line is one that I use often but not one that I have ever written online.
I can only assume that you know me in person but you’re too cowardly to call me a fruit cake and reveal your identity. Never fear, I’ll discover who you are soon enough, and wet willy you in revenge.
Life, Thanks, I like the pic but I am too lazy to change it yet again.
b. Ashfaq, there’s not reason not to have high expectations.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Nothing wrong with that at all, goals have to be a tad bit unrealistic, but yours are just way to unrealistic. Thats a women of jannah…
I remember a conference call with Sh Muhammed he said its better to be married than not : )
Thats if your serious… So br are you really going to remain unmarried if you don’t find someone like that?
Just a thought.
Insha’Allah you’ll get your ideal muslimah…
May 5th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
b Ashfaq, This post was written tongue in cheek … I am not looking to get married … not for a long while at least.
I realize, I’ll just have to settle for the stilts if I ever do try and get married.
May 6th, 2008 at 10:53 am
lol i was worried you were another lost brother who wants a perfect wife and remains unmarried for life!
Alhamdulillah nice to know…
Coming from you…to be honest i should have known.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:44 am
You should have indeed.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
LOL! Wallah, that was too funny… I’m much in the same boat as you are, my friend. If you can find one like that, and she turns out to have a sister…. Akhi! Send her my way!
May 6th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Lightning doesn’t strike twice brother.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I’ll just reitterate the first comment.
The description does sound like a mixture of who you want to be (stilts, knowledge of programming and kung fu)
and your mother (making you packed lunches and smiling blissfully at you)
I’m not up on my Islamic law on how to find a wife but women are deeply interesting when your open to all of their qualities that you could never imagine. A crucial part of femininity is our unpredictablity. Just believe any woman you fall in love with will exceed your expectations.
Please for the sake of all the women you ever come across don’t presume your imagination can sum up the best of us.
And why 16?
Are you 17?
She could have triplets you know.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
How can you tell if she’s hot when she’s always in a bag? (burka?) Whatever. I want to see the pic. I’d never do what my readers told me to do. I want a white teenage hippy chick who like hinduism.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Good gravy, man. The only way your blogging behind is going to get within 1,000 miles of what you’re looking for is to blow yourself up in some poor kid’s barmitzvah. Then at least you have a chance (if some folks are right) of getting 72 of them. If every other reliable source of guidance is right you’ll be in eternal torment for murder. Take your chances, I guess.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:52 am
Naqba, I’m just wondering if you’re Muslim. If so, that’s not funny in any way shape or form.. even if it’s obvious it’s not meant to be taken seriously.
making fun of the religion of Islam and it’s beliefs (72 hur) is a very serious matter. So I’m just inquiring as to whether or not you’re actually muslim before I say anything else.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:24 am
haha, good luck ManOfFewWords!
May 10th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
BismiAllah, Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem.
First of All brother, I’d like to say you’ve got a great list up there. masha’allah it’s nice to have high expectations. But like many ppl mentioned up there, that’s pretty hard to find. You can’t always find the perfect woman that you have ALL your LIFE imagined, and put together! You can find a girl close enough, and help her in becoming a better person, and trying to get her in the perfection zone, NOT that anyone can actually get there, but you can get her to be close enough.
I am not so sure about “giving birth” as being fun…! Woman, die while giving birth, and if you think at any time they’ll think it’s fun…then with ALL respect, your totally WRONG!!
And at age 16, not EVERY girl is mature. I mean you’ll find a lot of young girls but not many TODAY at least, that can actually open up their own home, and be able to continue a satisfying and happy marriage life.
But in the end, everybody has certain things they want, and there is nothing wrong with that. I have my list of what I want to find in a guy, and if he doesn’t have the main characteristics then, i won’t go for marriage either. So i def. understand your point!
I ask Allah swt to send you a wife filled with Iman, strong in her beliefs, sincere in her actions, caring in her ways, and obediant to Allah, the prophet Sallah Allahu 3alayhee wa salam, her parents, and THEN her husband…Ameen
Fe Aman Allah,
Wa Asalamu Alakium Wa Rahmatu Allah
May 10th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Sumaya, May ALLAH reward you for your dua.
LOL. I don’t know why so many people are taking this post seriously, it’s just a joke. I am not even looking to get married. I wrote it for laughs. I fully understand that this list represents a fictional woman, one whose existence is impossible.
May 11th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Alright, well that’s good to hear! lool
May 14th, 2008 at 2:02 am
You gotta go back to the homeland to find a chick like that - if you hurry you can still get one before the satellite TV corrupts them 2!
Umfoofoo:
“Eddie, why you no love me anymore - Eddie, I want half Eddie, I want half!!”
May 14th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
I have no idea why, but I previously thought that you’re already married.
This post clearly proves otherwise. That’s okay, I’m not gonna kill you for it… I will, however, make extra du’a that you get married very soon
August 6th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I understand y u r a man of few words. plz keep it that way
August 19th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
who said that this kinda woman doesn’t exist? I’m not sure if she’d go for ManofaFewWords
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
salaamu alaikum.
Lol - this makes for hilarious reading…
I’m a little concerned that your post was taken so seriously…
To me it sounded like a satirical look at some of the Desi men who search for perfection amidst us even when it’s time to find wife number 2
wassalaam